Ellen

Ellen" means shining light, torch, the bright one, sun, moon, mercy, clear, chosen, and most beautiful woman. Several years ago I was the victim of a most heinous form of abuse unlike anything I had ever thought possible. Not having been raised in a Christian home, my first experience with Christians and pastors had been one of joy, grace, fellowship, love, and delight. When faced with the horrors of having the very essence of who I was as a woman of faith stripped from me in what I can only describe as spiritual rape, I couldn't comprehend what was happening. This was "church" after all and I believed that everything works together for good for those who love God. Somehow, it didn't make sense that everything was not working together for good. When I was finally able to resign myself to the fact that God was not going to "work this out," I made my escape and sought a safe haven. Little did I realize that I was going from the proverbial frying pan into the fire. Oh, how I tried to beat back the flames! Oh, how I prayed and pleaded for mercy, for grace, for a chance. "But hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on earth, good will toward" Ellen. He who began a good work . . . had forsaken me . . . and the silence was more than deafening . . . it was defeating. So intertwined were we, that as God went missing, so did Ellen. But I am nothing, if not tenacious. For more than a decade, I fought to find God - for it is only in finding God that I would find myself. I was so sure that if I just said the right words, did the right things, waited long enough, endured enough, gave enough, got the right kind of help (eventually turning to a counselor), I might win my way back into God's good graces. In reality, I was hoping that God would change other people's minds and hearts - that the lion would lie down with this little lamb - that the shepherd would come rescue this battered little sheep. Instead, I learned how to listen to that Still Small Voice - in quietness. And to let Him convince me of who I am - a precious child of the Most High God. And I became confident that nothing can separate me from His love. It has been from this place that I have been able to distinguish the Voice of God from the voices that would tear me apart. And it is from this place that I am writing this blog - so that those who need to hear the truth of who they are may find it here.